Ignore the midget and the bear...

I used to hate those films… you know what kind, the ones where there is a nerdy teen girl with glasses, bad hair and a ferocious eyebrow, who’s natural beauty is uncovered after a montage makeover of singing, dancing and hairclips. As I write this I realize I spoke too soon, I still hate those damn films… I suppose you’re thinking; build report, classic car, obvious analogy… If you’ve ever seen the programme ‘there’s something about Miriam’ you will know, sometimes all is not as it seems.

My personal ‘ugly duckling’ was discovered 5 years ago from a 2 line ad in the trade & exchange, which read. “Porsche 356b Cabriolet 1962, $xx,xxx needs work” As you might imagine, the x’s don’t mean kisses, there were actual numbers in there, and had I paid attention in algebra I might have understood the equation…porsche + xxx needs work where xxx needs work = kiss of death But I had to see her. I had to see her in the same way you have to see a midget fighting a bear, you know you’re not going to like it, but it’s a pretty compelling offer so you go anyway.

There she was, parked behind a commercial building in Greenlane. She looked like a movie star, think Audrey Hepburn; now imagine if Audrey Hepburn joined the Sex Pistols, did drugs, drank with Johnny Rotten and Sid Vicious, changed her name to Audrey Rusthole and partied every night for 43 years then passed out drunk behind a commercial building in Greenlane. Yes she was a mess, there was vomit in her hair, and she’d had some bad botox, but it was Audrey Hepburn folks, and for the right amount of x’s she’d go home with me.

Now let’s just set a few things straight I was about 27 at the time, and I’d previously had a few classics; a couple of 911’s, an MGB, Mk3 Spitfire, Capri, TR7 even an RX3 when they were cheap. So I can’t claim to be naïve when I decided Audrey would be mine… I had a 911SC Cabriolet the owner had Audrey; we looked at each other knowingly and a deal was struck. Although she had a warrant of fitness and registration, she smoked like a French Supermodel and leaked enough oil to terrify a penguin colony, but I didn’t care; don’t get me wrong, I recycle, and I try to reduce my ecological footprint, but Audrey, she was born in a different time, a time where global warming would be just another reason to put the roof down. We traveled to Hamilton together…hmmm actually, let me rephrase, I gave her a few cups of black coffee and a couple of Neurofen on the curb and nursed her to her new home.